First, I would like to start with a proverb of which my brother reminded me after Thanksgiving dinner:
“Man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with stinky finger.”

Oh, how very true. Proper hygiene is the key to a good life. That, and booze and loose women.

On Sunday, I am taking a trip to Tucson, Arizona to pursue a career opportunity. Yes, I am entertaining the idea of ceasing my self-employment as an importer/exporter to work for “the man.” I believe Three Dog Night said it best when they sang:

Well I never been to heaven
But I been to Oklahoma
Well they tell me I was born there
But I really don’t remember
In Oklahoma, not Arizona
What does it matter
What does it matter

I have mixed emotions about leaving Pittsburgh, especially now that we are entering winter which means that for the first time in my life, I could potentially miss frozen spit and urine season if I leave for Tucson. I must say though that my biggest reservations (no pun intended) about Tucson have to do with the various critters and varmints that are indiginous to the desert. In addition to rattlers, scorpions and tarantulas, there is a beast that I was unaware of that gives me pause for concern. The dreaded collared peccary, better known as the javalina. (As an aside, the term “collared peccary” sounds like a phallic reference. At least it does to me, and regardless of what transpires with this Tucson opportunity, I plan to use the term “collared peccary” in that capacity.) The collared peccary is the only wild, native, pig-like animal found in the United States. I did not know this. That’s wild, whacky stuff. They say that one may smell a peccary before you see it. Here is what the javalina looks like:

I don’t get the “collared” part of the collared peccary name. When I heard the name “collared peccary”, I was expecting to see an animal wearing a dress shirt like that preferred by the Pittsburgh Public Shool District’s superintendant, John W. Thompson.

Happy Thanksgiving to the vast readership of T&A. After the episode I had this past year with a wild turkey scratching the paint on my car, I will enjoy today’s turkey feast more than ever.

I’ve said for years that Pittsburgh’s newspapers suck and are possibly the worst of any city of our size in the entire country. This line from this article about the DVD release of the TV series Seinfeld is probably one of the stupidest things I’ve heard recently:

“The first three seasons arrive on DVD today, and if you’ve been on the fence about getting a DVD player, this should nudge you over.”

Yeah, I’ve been hesitant to embrace this technology. Even after 10 years, I’m not convinced that it is here to stay, although my Beta machine is beginning to show its age. Perhaps I should buy a DVD player now. But I’m not sure I’ll have the spare cash since I just put out a pretty penny when I finally caved in and bought my first microwave oven. Jackass.

We need the Pittsburgh Press back.

Ron Artest Indiana Pacers - One week after saying he needed a month off because he was too tired from promoting his Rap album , he charges into the crowd after being struck by a beer while laying on the scorers table to avoid a fracas on the basketball floor that he started.

John Saunders ESPN Analyst- Supporting Ron Artest’s riot causing foray into pugilism by saying “Say you were walking in Times Square and got hit in the chest with a beer. What would you do?”

David Stern NBA Commissioner- Suspends Ron Artest for the remaining basketball season thus giving Ron ample time to work on a follow up album called “That Beer smells like my mom’s
kisses”.

Piston Fan who Rushed the Floor- Kudos for slipping two hay makers from Ron Artest only to get knocked off balance by an ESPN cameraman and get back to your feet only to get a right hand from Jermaine O’Neal in the neck.

U2- Performances on SNL made us all forget the likes of Ashlee Simpson.

Jude Law-Perfomances on SNL made us all yearn for the likes of Steve Martin, Tom Hanks and Carrot Top.

Ben Roethlisberger Pittsburgh Steelers- Just win Baby! Just Win!

When everyone was making a big deal about France not supporting the war in Iraq and renaming french fries as freedom fries, I received emails from people listing French-owned corporations which urged boycotting these companies. I thought it was silly and never paid attention to it, but I remember Target was on the list. That seemed odd to me but I never investigated, but now I have proof that Target is indeed a French company.

I find this truly amazing, but it’s about 1:10 PM and I have not heard anything on TV or radio or read anything yet reminding me that today is the anniversary of JFK’s assassination. I’m sure that damned ficticious Oliver Stone movie will be on all the 2nd rate cable networks tonight.

Building on last week’s controversial opening with Terrell Owens and Nicolette Sheridan, I understand that Monday Night Football is going to begin this week with a re-enactment of the JFK assassination with Priest Holmes driving a convertable and Tom Brady throwing a football from the 6th floor of a building, striking Priest in the back of the head. John Madden will be calling the action from the grassy knoll.