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The unlikely combination of the Iran hostage crisis and a Tony Orlando song spawned a yellow ribbon movement that spread like wildfire. Other causes and movements soon adopted this concept of wearing a ribbon to signify one’s beliefs or support for a cause. A pink ribbon came to signify breast cancer awareness, a red ribbon began to represent the fight against AIDS and so on.
Recognizing that the pins used to fasten these ribbons to one’s person were not very durable and often damaged fine fabrics, the genius that is Lance Armstrong devised the yellow “LIVE STRONG” rubber bracelet. Not only did the bracelet eradicate the potential damage to garments, but it also allowed individuals to express their support for a cause while at the beach or while having sex. For me personally, the finest moment of each day is when I am reminded that I support cancer survivors while I am shampooing.
Like anything and everything that is noble, opportunists seized the rubber cause bracelet and bastardized it. As another step forward in America’s insatiable desire to categorize and label everyone in an increasingly divided nation, new rubber bracelets are now being offered that signify such things as political party affiliation and to protest the 2004 election results.
Always one to have his hand on the pulse of popular culture, I have decided to jump into the rubber bracelet game and have created a few rubber bracelets of my own which you will see at quality stores and coffee shops in the near future. Here is a preview of some of my rubber bracelet creations.
PLAY ME
One of the wisest things my father ever shared with me was, “Son, there are two types of people in this world: those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don’t.” Wear the “PLAY ME” bracelet and proudly show the world that you are one of the millions who love the Jazz Singer. And if someone should ask you what this bracelet signifies, simply tell them, “You are the sun, I am the moon, you are the words, I am the tune—PLAY ME.”
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ACHOO
Do you dine out at fine restaurants often? Are you tired of pesky wait staff asking if you would like fresh ground pepper on your salad? Fret no more, Anthony has the bracelet just for you. The next time a waitress asks if you would like fresh ground pepper, invariably at the same time that you stuff a 3-inch chunk of buttered roll in your mouth, simply show her your wrist and she will know that you would like a few twists of fresh ground pepper to enhance your salad eating experience.
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MURMUR
On more than one occasion, I have talked to someone who claimed to be a longtime R.E.M. fan citing the fact that they bought the “Green” CD when it first came out, oblivious to the fact that R.E.M. had about five releases prior to “Green.” The “MURMUR” bracelet signifies that the wearer was a fan of R.E.M. before they achieved commercial success and believes that R.E.M. sold out after “Out of Time.” If you think R.E.M.’s best works were from “Murmur” through “Out of Time” and if you prefer Michael Stipe with hair but without odd make-up or face paint, wear the MURMUR bracelet proudly.
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APOLITICAL
After two incredibly heated and controversial presidential elections, it’s understandable that many people have grown tired of political debate and the hollow rhetoric that goes with it. I’m personally tired of college kids protesting a war when everything they know about war and politics is based on information they’ve garnered from Oliver Stone movies. I’m tired of blogs that claim to be political in nature but do not exhibit any thoughts that go beyond rehashing something said by Rush Limbaugh or Al Franken. And I’m tired of the likes of Bruce Springsteen and “The Barbra” thinking that I actually give a rat’s ass about their political views. Maybe these are not the reasons for your political indifference. Perhaps you’re indifferent because you feel this country is going down the shitter faster than a dead goldfish regardless of which political party is in power. Whatever the reason, express your political opinion by expressing that you have no political opinion with the APOLITICAL bracelet.
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SAM
I love the fact that I can go into a Wal-Mart and purchase a gallon of milk, a car battery, a 3-pack of underwear and a “Die Hard” DVD, all for a total of $17.88. Many people despise Wal-Mart because the retailer supposedly drives “mom and pop” shops out of business and because they are not a union shop. But guess what? There are some people who would rather buy a box of Fruit Loops for $2.50 than pay $5 for the same thing at Ma’s Corner Shop. Wear the SAM bracelet to show your support for capitalism and really cheap stuff.
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