I’m off to Austin, Texas tomorrow to accept T&A’s Bronstein Award for Excellence in Blogging in person at the long-anticipated Bronstein Award ceremony. I will be sure to take plenty of photographs and share those suitable for public viewing here on T&A. Tunesmith will be holding down the fort until I return.

If any member of T&A’s vast readership is going to be in Austin Wednesday through Saturday or knows any hot blousey Austin babes who would like to attend the Bronsteins ceremony with me, please let me know by this evening. Thank you.

In my opinion, the second closest thing to Hell on earth is an elevator. (In case you’re wondering, a PAT bus is the closest thing to Hell on earth.) It’s not that I have a phobia of any sort, I just hate how strangers insist on striking up conversations on the elevator. I hate people in general, so a stranger striking up a conversation with me anywhere is not something I enjoy unless of course the stranger is a hot blousey babe at a bar. But in an elevator, you are a captive audience and it’s impossible to ignore someone talking to you.

I was on the elevator earlier this morning, and a gentleman wearing a shiny Steelers jacket got on, as well as three other men who I assumed were lawyers judging by the 2’ x 4’ briefcases they were carrying. Before the doors could close, the guy in the Steelers jacket starts in with, “Well, there aren’t any sports going on right now, but pretty soon the Steelers will be playing again. They’re going to the Super Bowl this year.” Apparently this bloke is not a fan of the March Madness in addition to having no sense of time since the Super Bowl was just played about 2 months ago.

It’s always a mistake to say more than “yes,” “no” or a fake chuckle in response to someone in an elevator like this, but lawyers will be lawyers, and they had to respond to the Steelers fan’s idiotic remarks. This of course encouraged our Steelers fan to go on, “They got rid of all them players who liked to talk more than play. Like that number 80. What’s his name? He wasn’t worth a damn.” OK, so Mr. Steelers fan is such a football nut that in addition to wearing his shiny Steelers jacket to display his allegiance to the Steelers, he doesn’t know Plaxico Burress’ name. Luckily, the elevator reached my floor just then and I was able to escape.

I shouldn’t complain, though. It could have been worse. At least someone didn’t tell me that I look like John Travolta or Days of Our Lives‘ Bo Brady. Again.

Tunesmith and I would like to extend a happy Easter to the vast T&A readership. We hope that the Easter Bunny brought you lots of chocolate rabbit and marshmallow peep effigies.

Since today is Good Friday, I did no blogging between noon and 3:00PM.

Is it me, or does Bernie Mac speak a language other than English? I need a translator to watch his show or when he’s in a movie.

I’m getting tired of City residents bitching about their fire stations closing. I know most Pittsburghers are reluctant to embrace modern technology (unless it has to do with cable television), but if they’re so damned afraid that their houses are going to burn to the ground before a fire truck shows up, maybe they should invest in a few $5 smoke detectors. If they are still paranoid about dying in a fire, then they should move their beds next to their home’s front door. As an aside, Pittsburghers could help emergency vehicle response times by turning down the Bob Seger in the car and by getting the hell out of the way when they hear and see an emergency vehicle.

Old Blue Eyes has died. Again.

U.S. military police Friday thwarted a massive escape attempt by suspected insurgents and terrorists from a southern Iraq Army base when they uncovered a 600-foot tunnel the detainees had dug under their compound. The elaborate escape is being compared to the 1994 movie, “The Shawshank Redemption,” where a prisoner burrows his way out of prison. U.S. authorities became suspicious when a devout Muslim hung a poster on his prison wall of the scantily clad Raquel Welch from the movie One Million Years B.C.

The pierogi is a bastardization of the ravioli. Alas, Pittsburghers can’t get enough of butter and onions.

I scoff at all these kids wearing baggy pants, which are in a constant state of falling off their asses exposing their boxer shorts. Not only do these baggy pants make the wearer look like a hobo, but I laugh at them because these guys’ balls are going to be hanging down to their knees by the time they’re 40 years old. (Please take a moment now to whistle the march from The Nutcracker for dramatic effect.)

I miss the good old days when a homeless person was referred to as a hobo, tramp or bum.

Hey you, don’t watch that, watch this! For those of you who have the digital cable with Music Choice, do yourself a favor and tune in to channel 415, Retro-Active. This is the heavy, heavy monster sound, the nuttiest sound around. So if you’ve come in off the street, and you’re beginning to feel the heat, well listen buster, you’d better start to move your feet! To the rockingest, rocksteady beat of Madness. One Step Beyond!

“A Boy Named Sue” was the first rap song ever recorded. It’s about time Johnny Cash got his props for being the granddaddy of rap. Peace!

City Council last week approved closing 6 of Pittsburgh’s fire stations located in Marshall-Shadeland, Bloomfield, Allentown, the Hill District, Overbrook and Troy Hill. Although 5 other stations also closed, the Troy Hill station closing received the most media attention because its residents were the most vocal in protesting the closing of their station. It turns out that Troy Hill residents were so vocal and passionate in protesting the closing of their station because all 20 residents of Troy Hill under the age of 65 are firefighters. (I think that if they burned someone in effigy to protest the station closing, it wouldn’t have closed.)

It’s really a shame, but it seems that America has abandoned the Monte Cristo sandwich. I can’t find one on any restaurant’s menu anymore it seems. If anyone knows of a restaurant that still features a tasty Monte Cristo on their menu, please let me know.