Yet another summer has flown by and it’s time to go back to school. As yet another public service to the vast T&A readership, I present:

Elementary School

Behave in school. I’m not saying not to partake in mischief. Getting into mischief is one of the few fun things to do in school when you’re a kid. But be smart about it. Be the mischief “idea guy.” It’s far better to think up a good scheme and have one of the “bad” kids act it out for you instead of you acting on the idea. Having someone else do your dirty work gives you the benefit of being able to watch whatever it is unfold, and you won’t get into trouble. Even if the bad kid tells the teacher that it was all your idea, the teacher will always use the “If Johnny told you to jump off a bridge, would you do that, too?” argument which will exonerate you every time.

95% of your energy and focus should be on math and reading and writing. These are the only important subjects. Everything else is crap. While being able to explain the three branches of government or the difference between a mammal and reptile are certainly important, this knowledge isn’t going to do you much good if you can’t write a grammatically correct sentence or master fractions.

Anything involving construction paper and paste is good. Macaroni and glitter are also good as they signify that Christmas is approaching.

Bathe regularly. Every class has at least one smelly kid. You don’t want to be that kid.

Only play school sports if you’re a starter on the team. Tying up your parents’ evenings with taking you to practice a few times a week isn’t worth it if you’re going to be a benchwarmer. And if the coach of the team is one of your classmate’s parents, forget about it because if he has to decide between playing you or his son, guess who he’s going to choose? Don’t be anyone’s patsy, even if you’re only 11 years old. And if anyone argues that you’ll benefit by learning the concept of teamwork even if you’re not getting much playing time, tell them that they’re full of shit. Any notion of teamwork that you learn when you’re 11 years old will instantly become moot later on in life when you and a co-worker are up for the same promotion.

Seek your parents’ advice and help. If your parents do not take an interest in your schoolwork, you’re already at a disadvantage. If they refuse to help you or take an interest in your schoolwork, take their car keys, Schlitz and lottery tickets hostage until they do.

If you have any interest in learning to play a musical instrument, this is the time to do it. Regardless of what instrument you choose, it’s important to grasp a basic understanding of music theory at this young age. It will help you when you’re in high school when you realize that playing the clarinet is for dorks. You’ll then be able to transfer this musical knowledge to teach yourself guitar or bass and form a crummy band in an effort to get chicks. If you’re a male and your parents force you to take flute or violin lessons, report them to the authorities. This is 2005; you don’t have to live with that shame.

High School

These are the best years of your life. Enjoy them. It’s all downhill after this. You’re still too young to have major responsibilities yet you’re old enough to do stuff without your parents and will be able to use their car. Also, if you screw up in school, you can still redeem yourself in college.

Again, focus on math and reading and writing. Prior to graduation, you should be able to control your use of the “double negative” in conversation.

Make one good friend. Your group of friends will most likely expand in high school, but you’ll be lucky to have at least one that you can call your best friend, a real friend who will be there for you unconditionally.

Science classes suck and are useless unless you’re going to be a doctor or possibly an engineer. But even if you end up with a career in the sciences, what you really need to know will be taught to you in college anyway. Dissecting a starfish or playing with a Bunsen burner isn’t going to benefit you ever. The only marginally useful science class is physics.

The only useful language to take is Latin. Spanish is useful in most areas of the country other than Pittsburgh.

Read all of the novels assigned by your teachers. Don’t use Cliff’s Notes unless Shakespeare is the assigned reading. If you’re not required to read eight to ten novels in a school year, your school sucks. If that’s the case, read at least eight to ten novels on your own.

College

You’re bound to have at least one current or ex-hippie as a professor. That’s just the way it is.

Select your major wisely. Although British literature may be your passion, majoring in it is not going to put food on the table after graduation.

If you’re going to major in music or the visual arts, resign yourself to the fact that at some point in your career, you’re going to teach. This is the United States, and we don’t value the arts.

Beware of the editorializing of professors. Don’t believe everything they tell you.

Regardless of your major, keep working on your writing skills. The number of professionals who can write well is surprisingly low.

Be sure to check out the comments from this post. I seemed to have pissed off an entire gaggle of unicyclists.

Jerry Seinfeld’s wife gave birth to the couple’s third child on Monday, a son whom they named Shepherd Kellen Seinfeld. Shepherd? Who named him, George Costanza?

Baz Bastein and Zig Ziglar walk into a bar… (OK, I don’t have a joke. I just always wanted to use both of their names in the same sentence.)

Every time there’s a hurricane approaching, the TV news always shows video of people at Home Depot frantically buying plywood to cover their doors and windows. With all of the hurricanes Florida gets hit with every year, one would think these people would have hurricane plywood on hand at all times. If I bought a house in Florida, the first thing I’d buy is 10 or 15 sheets of plywood and store it away.

If people in the hurricane belt were industrious, they’d take all of the uprooted trees, fallen telephone poles and other wooden debris resulting from the destruction of hurricanes, grind it all up and make plywood out of it for future hurricanes. Y’know, when life gives you lemons…make plywood.

I’m tired of news reports about promising experimental drugs. Just the other day, I read that researchers developed an experimental drug that reversed the effects of sleep deprivation in the brains of monkeys. These stories, after filling you up with joyful hope, conclude with the reporter revealing that scientists are five to ten years away from developing a drug suitable to test on humans. If that’s the case, what’s the point of telling me this? Am I supposed to try to persuade the terminally ill to hang on another 5 to 10 years because a potentially lifesaving drug will be available then?

Yesterday’s Pennsylvania mid-day lottery number was…yeah, like anyone gives a rat’s ass.

Tomorrow marks the 15th anniversary of the tragic death of Stevie Ray Vaughan. I had the good fortune of seeing him in concert twice. The first time was in December of 1986 at the now nonexistent Syria Mosque. The Outlaws opened. Stevie wore his huge Indian headdress for the encore. I saw him the second time in June of 1989 at the then-named Melody Ampitheatre at Station Square. He was the greatest 6-stringer to ever walk the planet. Period. It sucks that he’s dead. Take a moment tomorrow and play a little “Texas Flood” or “Couldn’t Stand the Weather.”

-This morning I heard a song “Gold Digger” by Kanye West and Jamie Foxx . Kanye West raps while Jamie Foxx sings Ray Charles’ “I got a woman”. Listen I understand Jamie Foxx won some awards portraying Ray Charles in the movie “Ray”. I understand he does an adequate Ray Charles impersonation but enough already. You are not Ray Charles. You’ll never be a Ray Charles. I do a mean impersonation of Scatman Crothers but I don’t walk around quoting Hong Kong Phooey all day.

-Penn State linebacker Dan Connor, who some publications gave All American status to, was suspended yesterday for making prank phone calls to a retired football staff member. This is the fifth Penn State football player in the last year who has brough total embarassment to once a respected program. I only hope that the next prank phone calls to a retired PSU football staff member are received by Joe Paterno. It’s time to move on Joe Pa.

A sidebar to this rambling: Ron Cook wrote an article today stating that the players need to be made accountable for such actions and in no way should this be a reflection on Joe Paterno losing control of the PSU football program. I just wonder if this would have happened at the University of Pittsburgh last year would he have wrote the same article defending Walt Harris.

-Are these people trying to become the lead singer of INXS or the Village People? I cant believe these guys could have possibly been the band who gave us the album “KICK”. Michael Hutchence has to be “Mystified”.

I can’t believe it, but it’s already almost 2:00PM and not one person has said to me today, “This is good sleeping weather.”