As 2005 quickly draws to a close, it is once again time for my annual predictions for the new year. Hopefully I will fare better in 2006 than in 2005, as it appears that only three of my 2005 predictions came true.

1. In a rare public display of political activism, Pennsylvania’s Amish community will hold a rally in Lancaster County voicing their opposition to state treasurer Robert Casey Jr.’s Senate bid citing that the second generation politician is even too boring for their tastes.

2. In a controversial move designed to attract younger listeners and viewed by many as a slight to the loyal Baby Boomer demographic, Pittsburgh’s WDVE 102.5 FM will permanently remove Lee Michaels’ 1971 classic, “Do You Know What I Mean” from its regular rotation.

3. In a tell all book, actor Peter Scolari will confess for the first time his long-held contempt and bitterness towards his fellow “Bosom Buddies” costar, Tom Hanks. In the book, Mr. Scolari will reveal that he sunk into a severe depression spawned by witnessing Mr. Hanks’ career skyrocket while his own career remained painfully stagnant. Though the book will contain no shortage of sordid tales of self-destructive alcohol and drug abuse, Mr. Scolari will end the book on a high note, acknowledging that after 20 years he has finally garnered enough self-esteem to turn down bit parts in Hanks’ films offered to him out of sympathy, recognizing that these roles are better suited for the likes of Chris Elliott or Clint Howard.

4. In June of 2006, small business owner Muhammed Wilson will open a new shop on Forbes Avenue in downtown Pittsburgh called “Mo’ Marr,” a clothing store selling fashions inspired by the flamboyant wardrobe of Libyan despot Muammar al-Qaddafi.

5. Michael Vale, the actor best known for portraying sleepy-eyed Fred the Baker in Dunkin’ Donuts commercials, will die at age 83.

6. Tunesmith will receive critical acclaim for authoring his debut play, “Strongbow,” a one-man play detailing the life of wrestling icon Chief Jay Strongbow. The Post-Gazette will dub him “the next August Wilson.”

7. After disappearing into obscurity in 1999 following the end of his critically acclaimed TV series, Paul Reiser will finally be located. Reiser will be quoted as saying, “I don’t know what the big deal is—I’ve been sitting on my couch for the last 7 years.”

8. In an effort to lure fans back to America’s game, Major League Baseball will implement new rules designed to make the game more appealing and exciting. Some of the more notable changes will be the requirement for every third pitch thrown to be an Eephus and allowing fielders to hit runners with a thrown ball for an out.

9. As the last remaining item from popular culture not resurrected during the recent “retro” craze, Southern Fried Rock will once again gain popularity in 2006 when American Idol phenom Clay Aiken releases a stirring rendition of the Molly Hatchet classic “Flirtin’ with Disaster.”

10. Although the introduction of legalized gambling in Pennsylvania will stop Western Pennsylvanians from flocking to West Virginia to play slot machines, thousands of Western Pennsylvanians will continue to visit Weirton and Wheeling regularly to satisfy their uncontrollable cravings for the tangy cheese sauce of the Rax BBC sandwich.

11. I will get more ass than a rental car.

The following is a true story.

My 17 year-old nephew has a part-time job at one of those Old Aberpostale Outfitters stores in the mall. One night last week, during extended holiday hours, he didn’t get out of work until 12:30AM. He was warming up his car in the mall parking lot, when a McShaleross Township police cruiser pulled up next to him.

The officer rolled down his window and said sternly to my nephew, “What are you doing?”

My nephew, shaken and nervous because he was in his car past his junior driver license curfew of 11:00PM, replied, “I work at the mall and I just got out of work. I just live on the other side of the road.” Which he does—it probably takes him more time to warm up his old junker than it does for him to walk home.

“Well, where are you going now?” the officer questioned.

“Actually, I’m starving so I was going to drive through McDonald’s to pick up something to eat, but I guess I’m going to go straight home now,” my nephew respectfully replied.

The officer firmly ordered, “You wait right there. Don’t go anywhere. I mean it—you wait here until I come back. You better be here when I get back in 5 minutes. Understand?”

The officer pulled away and my nephew sat in his car shaking with fear. He was too afraid to even call his mother to tell her what was going on. Even though he didn’t do anything wrong besides being behind the wheel after 11:00PM, he figured that he was in trouble and that the officer went to get back up to search his car or give him a ticket or beat his ass.

Ten or fifteen minutes later, the police cruiser approached, alone, and again pulled up alongside my nephew’s car. The officer rolled down his window and reached toward my nephew.

The officer was holding a McDonald’s bag.

Speechless, my nephew could only look on in disbelief.

“Here. Take it,” the officer said.

My nephew took the bag, thanked the officer and asked if he could at least pay him for the food.

“Don’t worry about it. Merry Christmas. And go straight home.”

Dumbfounded, my nephew drove straight home where he enjoyed his 10-piece Chicken McNuggets and french fries.

LEGAL NOTICE: Any use, duplication and/or distribution of the above text and story, in part or in its entirety, is strictly prohibited. This means that if I find out that this story has been cut and pasted into a chain email with an animated GIF of an angel or pixie with the warning that if it is not passed on to 10 more people within 5 minutes that the recipient will never find true love, his/her testicles/vagina will dry up, and Bill Gates will not give $20 TGI Fridays gift certificates to underprivileged children, I’m gonna get medieval on someone’s ass.

If you’re like me (the merits of which is debatable), you’ve been freezing your ass off for the last couple weeks. Despite how warmly I dress or how high I crank up the furnace, I just can’t seem to get warm. During frosty days like these, I’ve found that there are only two things that can warm me up. And since I don’t have a bottle of Jack Daniels handy, there’s but one other option left.

As yet another public service to the vast T&A readership, I hereby share with you a no-fail source of heat during the frigid Pittsburgh winter months:

No, that’s not a photo of WTAE’s Wendy Bell. That beautiful smiling face is none other than T&A’s favorite Corsican pop music sensation…

Unfortunately, her official web site, moi-alizee.com, is currently down. The fan forums speculate that this is so because she recently married and had a baby. Therefore, since Alizée music may be hard to find, click the photo below to view a performance of the lovely Alizée performing one of her smash hits. Be forewarned: the rhythm is gonna getcha! And make sure your seatbelts are fastened at about 3:15 into the video. At about 3:28, you’ll need a cigarette even if you don’t smoke. Enjoy!

For some reason, I find this photo in today’s P-G (from yesterday’s event announcing PNC’s plan to build a skyscraper) far more entertaining than I should. Perhaps it’s the loving gaze that O’Connor and Onorato are giving Rendell. Or maybe it’s O’Connor’s expression, like his eyes are watering because he has to take a dump and doesn’t know how much longer he can keep the turtle head from poking out. Or perhaps it’s how much the governor actually resembles a turtle. I don’t know. I find it funny.

Since I have garnered so much enjoyment from this photo this morning, I thought that it is only appropriate to post it here and add a few suggestions for captions. Enjoy.

Possible captions for this photo:

• Two Irishmen, an Italian and a Jew walk into a bar…
• Mayor-elect O’Connor and County Executive Onorato turn as they suspect Governor Rendell of releasing an S.B.D.
• OK, let’s see…Onorato is the gravedigger, Rendell is the preacher…damn, this photo doesn’t show who is barefoot and holding a cigarette.
• The last four living people who still believe Pennsylvania has a snowball’s chance in hell sit and wait for things to improve.
• The annual convention of the “Men With One-Syllable First Names Association” was held in Pittsburgh yesterday.
• 1980’s supergroup Asia held a press conference today to announce their upcoming “Only Time Will Tell” tour.
• “I had to invite him. He’s still the Mayor…technically.”
• “But — that aside — let me say that I swear — on the souls of my grandchildren — that I will not be the one to break the peace that we have made here today…”

Feel free to add your own caption suggestions in the comments.