As 2006 quickly draws to a close, it is once again time for my annual predictions for the coming year.

1. Richard Aaron Swarner will be born in Joplin, Missouri and will have the distinction of being the last boy named Richard to be referred to by the nickname “Dick.”

2. Freshman U.S. Senator Bob Casey, Jr. will give a candid interview to Esquire magazine. In an effort to change his stiff image, Casey will share tales of his reckless youth, the raciest of which will be a story about the time he had sex without wearing socks.

3. Building on the success of the T&A Shop, Tunesmith & Anthony will expand their brand by launching a line of scented candles that promise to capture the scents of Pittsburgh. Top sellers will be “Fifth & Forbes Doorway,” “Joseph Sabino Mistick’s Beard After Eating a Meatball Hoagie” and “Regis Steedle’s Millvale Stress Relief.”

4. WTAE-TV will continue to expand its offerings of staff written blogs with the introduction of Marcie Cipriani’s “I’m Freezing My Ass Off and It’s Still Dark Outside” Blog.

5. The Other Bob of the “Subdivided We Stand Meets Marathon Man” blog will forcefully overtake a school bus full of children and vow to hold the occupants hostage until he is awarded the coveted 2007 Bronstein Award for Excellence in Blogging. Former Pittsburgh police chief Dom Costa will be piloting the bus and will successfully diffuse the situation, but not until after suffering a jab to the head with a No. 2 pencil. Costa will recover from his injuries though a piece of graphite will remain lodged in his head. At his arraignment, the Other Bob will comment, “I thought he was Pedro’s father, you know, from Napoleon Dynamite.”

6. Allegheny County councilman John DeFazio will be the second member of his family to be the subject of a federal investigation when U.S. Attorney Mary Beth Buchanan obtains evidence that suggests steel girders were diverted from the $30 million Homestead Grays Bridge reconstruction project to build a new pair of eye glasses for the councilman.

7. Gerald R. Ford, the 38th and only unelected president in America’s history, will die.

8. The proprietors of the popular Pittsburgh blog, “Carbolic Smoke Ball” will file suit against a Turtle Creek man for trademark violations. The suit will be brought against the man for distributing and producing a pornographic video series entitled “Carbolic Smoke Ballin’” (#1 through #37) that feature a solemn-faced man having sex while wearing various ridiculous-looking hats.

9. The 2007 Pittsburgh City Council elections will change the face of council and bring national attention to Pittsburgh once again. In addition to having the youngest mayor of any major city in America, Pittsburgh’s City Council elections will result in Pittsburgh having the distinction of having the only elected body in America of which all its members possess a valid Class C CDL or commercial driver’s license.

10. I will get more ass than a rental car.

Go visit Bob Mayo’s The Busman’s Holiday right now. He posted a video of a skit from a Canadian comedy show that portrays a meeting between Mario Lemieux and Jim Balsillie. It’s a must see for all Pittsburghers.

Mike Evans, the actor who portrayed Lionel on the television series The Jeffersons, has moved on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky.

May your fish not fry in the kitchen, and may your beans not burn on the grill.

Reuters reported Wednesday:

Iraqi soldiers bit the heads off frogs and ate the heart of a rabbit as signs of courage on Wednesday at a ceremony to transfer Najaf province, home to one of Shi’ite Islam’s holiest shrines, from U.S. to Iraqi control.

…Politicians, tribal and religious leaders and soldiers watched displays of military prowess and one demonstration, hailed as a display of courage, in which five soldiers stopped before the grandstand to bite the heads off frogs. A sixth holding a live rabbit slit open its stomach and ate its heart before tossing the carcass to his comrades to chew on.

Eating a live rabbit’s heart is an act of courage? To quote Monty Python and the Holy Grail, “What’s ‘e gonna do, nibble me bum?” I mean, there are few animals that are cuter and more docile than bunnies. If you’re going to chew on a live animal, at least choose one that has claws or vicious teeth to make it a bit more challenging.

And biting the heads off frogs? Perhaps this indicates why the Iraqi security forces haven’t fared very well. We have military icons like Douglas MacArthur and George S. Patton, and these guys follow in the grand tradition of…Alice Cooper and Ozzie Osbourne?

The only thing I can deduce from all of this is that a violent act against an animal that hops is considered an act of courage in Iraq. I have half a mind to go over there and box a kangaroo. They’d probably erect a statue of me.