In response to increased pressure to meet a 90-day deadline to replace 11 city and authority directors whom he asked to submit letters of resignation, Mayor Ravenstahl today named a new director of information technology for the city.

“He was clearly the best candidate for the position. He possesses an uncanny ability to know when I'm writing a letter,” commented the mayor about his new appointee.

I'm sure by now you've had a good laugh over Miss Teen South Carolina's answer to a question during the Miss Teen USA 2007 pageant hosted by Mario Lopez. Wait a minute—the guy who finished second to Emmitt Smith on Dancing With the Stars hosted a teen beauty pageant, and a teenage contestant provided the most embarrassing moment? I don't think so, Jack. A teen girl couldn't provide a coherent response to a question about Americans not being able to identify the U.S. on a world map. I'd like to hear Mario Lopez explain why a fifth of Americans don't know the difference between him and Mario Van Peebles.

OK, you're a bunch of musically inclined guys who all just happen to have a problem with getting a stiffy. So what do you do? You break out into an Elvis song, replacing the original lyrics with lyrics describing how you can't wait to get home so you can throw a hump into that special lady in your life. After you take a Viagra, of course. Oh, and you and the other flaccid fellas in your group sport extremely creepy smiles while performing this song.

I can't believe someone actually got paid for dreaming that shit up. Seriously. What guy is going to look at that and say, "Hey, those guys look like they're having fun. I'm impotent, too, and I always wanted to learn to play guitar. Viagra is for me!" Or do the pfolks at Pfizer just think there's a huge untapped market of upright bass players who have trouble keeping their basses upright?

I don't know. Maybe I'm the crazy one. Well, kids, I gotta run now and finish those lyrics to "All Shook Up" about feminine itch.

What do you think the chances are his teammates like to call him "Steely" just to piss him off? 

Tunesmith paraphrased quote of the week: “Pirates fans couldn’t wait to drive future Hall of Famer Barry Bonds out of town when he played here, yet they gave Mike Diaz the nickname ‘Rambo.’” That's some funny shit.

I was using a highlighter at work yesterday when I realized the cap had teeth marks from someone chewing on it. I soon realized the highlighter was not mine and dropped it in the garbage can immediately. I then gagged and made that “kack!” sound my dog makes when he has something caught in his throat. People used to get on my shit for smoking calling it a nasty habit, yet people can chew the ends of pens at the workplace with impunity. It's an outrage. Outrage, I say!

A federally funded study of the sexual habits of senior citizens, done by respected scientists and published in Thursday's New England Journal of Medicine, reveals that more than half of those aged 57 to 75 said they gave or received oral sex, as did about a third of 75- to 85-year-olds. An informal follow-up study conducted by Tunesmith & Anthony revealed that 89 percent of those aged 18 to 56 experienced extreme nausea after reading those statistics and that an additional 6 percent stated that those statistics caused them to experience a “wet burp.”

I'd love the Schwenneker to do something like this.