OK, what makes these parents bigger assholes? Naming their son after Three Rivers Stadium or taking a 2-month old to a Steelers game?

I wonder if they say a Cleveland Browns fan just left Gate C when he shits.

OK, you're a bunch of musically inclined guys who all just happen to have a problem with getting a stiffy. So what do you do? You break out into an Elvis song, replacing the original lyrics with lyrics describing how you can't wait to get home so you can throw a hump into that special lady in your life. After you take a Viagra, of course. Oh, and you and the other flaccid fellas in your group sport extremely creepy smiles while performing this song.

I can't believe someone actually got paid for dreaming that shit up. Seriously. What guy is going to look at that and say, "Hey, those guys look like they're having fun. I'm impotent, too, and I always wanted to learn to play guitar. Viagra is for me!" Or do the pfolks at Pfizer just think there's a huge untapped market of upright bass players who have trouble keeping their basses upright?

I don't know. Maybe I'm the crazy one. Well, kids, I gotta run now and finish those lyrics to "All Shook Up" about feminine itch.

You probably had one or more of the following thoughts last Thursday evening in reaction to the anonymous bomb threat and subsequent tunnel closures:

1. Sitting in this traffic sucks hard.
2. I'm glad I didn't have to sit in that traffic.
3. There are some crazy bastards in this world.
4. Who the hell would want to blow up the Squirrel Hill/Fort Pitt/Liberty Tunnel(s)?
5. Unemployment has its benefits.

You probably did not react by getting home that evening and registering the domain names pittsburghbombthreat.com and bombthreatpittsburgh.com. No, you didn't do that, but someone did.

Both of those domains lead to a creepy site by the Galactic Research Institute's Foundation for the Law of Time. The web site states that we are in a global crisis, however there is a solution. According to the Foundation for the Law of Time:

The solution is to realign our bodies and minds back with the original laws of nature! This is done by feeding the body with pure foods and feeding the mind with a new calendar based on natural cycles.

The Foundation for the Law of Time introduces the 13 moon, 28-day calendar as a primary tool to elevate our frequency so that we can directly experience ourselves as an integral part of the planet, the solar system, the galaxy, and, yes, the entire cosmos.

Alrighty then. (As an aside, I only need vodka to elevate my frequency.)

Whoever registered these domain names is either a wacko who interpreted the bomb threats as further proof of a global crisis, or someone inspired by the cat who owns lukeravenstahl.com hoping to turn a quick buck. I doubt it's the latter because I don't think a domain name about a bomb threat would be all that valuable. If a bomb had actually gone off, it would no longer have been a threat and the domain names would turn out to be worthless. A true businessperson would have hedged by creating domain names that generally referred to a Pittsburgh bomb. Then again, jimtracy.com is already taken.  

Oh, how I wish I was in India right now. Angry crowds in several Indian cities are burning effigies of Richard Gere! If I made a list of self-righteous celebrities that I would like to burn in effigy, Gere would be among the top ten.

A right-wing Hindu group is bent out of shape after Gere swept a popular Bollywood actress into his arms and kissed her several times during an AIDS-awareness event. Of course, this sort of public display of affection is taboo in India and therefore, demonstrators took to the streets to burn Gere in effigy. Unfortunately, the only photo of the protest that I could find is above, and I can't tell what the hell that guy is burning. Therefore, to slightly quench my thirst for the image of Richard Gere being burned in effigy, I've created what I think that might look like:

Here is the actress Gere kissed, Shilpa Shetty.

OK, she's hot. (I found clearer photos of her, but I like that one for some reason. It must be the sassy pose with the hands on the hips. Yeah, that's it.) I would exchange being burned in effigy for a few minutes of slap and tickle with that.

Unrelated to the wonderful Gere effigy story, I came across this photo of a Richard Gere lookalike in my search for Gere photos. 

The likeness is uncanny.

His web site says that he is available for company picnics. I'm sorry, but if I had to endure the agony of a company picnic, gagging down potato salad that's been sitting in the sun for hours while staring at the varicose vein laden legs of co-workers' wives  in Lands End shorts, and the boss thought a Richard Gere impersonator would be a nice touch, I'd quit on the spot.

1. Do not bring your husband with you to a job interview. If he is your means of transportation to the interview, have him wait in the car or ask him to go grab a cup of coffee while you are being interviewed. Do not allow him to sit in the 10’X10’ reception area while he fails to acknowledge with a simple “hello” the people walking past, the same people that you hope to be working with. A husband waiting for his wife while she interviews for a job comes across as he being there to scope out the other men who may be working with her. Further, it gives off this creepy daddy/overly-protective/controlling spouse vibe, as if your judgment is not to be trusted when sizing up a potential employer, especially when said husband looks to be about 15 years your senior.

2. Do not give your business card to me from your second career as a real estate agent, a career I might add that has no relation to the job for which you are interviewing. Taking into account that your real estate agent business is with the creepy husband who is waiting for you on the premises, giving me your business card is in bad taste. In addition to not hiring you because of your potentially pain-in-the-ass husband, I’m probably not going to hire you because I’ll be afraid that you’ll be taking calls all day in regards to that cute Dutch colonial you have on the market, and I’d also probably fear that you’d eventually approach me about selling Amway. Yeah, I know; I buy breakfast cereal at the store so why not buy it off myself and make money at the same time…