How does the homogeneous suburban community in which you live celebrate Christmas? Oh, they probably have a tree lighting or the arrival of Santa in a Chrysler convertible as a sea of menopausal women in red sweaters sings “Silver Bells.”

That's right, Bloomfield celebrates peace on earth and goodwill toward men by putting on a spectacular display of men beating the shit out of each other.

To make the event all the more exciting, the card pits a bunch of Italian guys against a bunch of Irish guys in a symbolic use of the Christmas colors of red and green. Based on stories my Sicilian grandfather shared with me when I was a child, I imagine this Italian vs Irish card captures the essence of what Christmas was like in Pittsburgh around 1912.

And no Christmas boxing event would be complete without a visit from good ol' Saint Nick.

So on December 22nd, pile the kids into the Chevy and head to Bloomfield, meet Santa, watch some Italian guys beat the shit out of some Irish guys (What? You think I'm going to go against my people?), and afterwards have a nice dinner at Del's or D'Amico's. Your children will cherish the memory of that special Christmas when mom and dad took them to see Marco Machi get it on with Joe "Bulldog" Natoli followed by the best dish of pasta in red squid sauce for the rest of their lives.

There is now a bicycle lane on Liberty Avenue in Bloomfield and Lawrenceville. Wow! Look at all that room!

There are better photos here, but I wanted to post the photo I took above to show my perspective of the bike lane and to show that there are parts of Liberty Avenue where there just isn't enough room for a bike lane. I can't help but notice that the symbol painted on the road resembles a chalk outline.

I don't get the whole biking thing. I loved my bicycle when I was ten years old, but as soon as I got my  learner's permit when I turned sixteen and realized I could take chicks to the movies in my parents' car, my ass never touched that bicycle again. And the outfits that serious cyclists wear? All that spandex and that styrofoam cooler-slash-helmet…it's not natural, Jack.  It's not attractive. Some bicycles hoist your spandex covered ass right to my eye level, and I can't recall ever saying, “Look at the nice ass on that chick on the Schwinn.”

Bicyclists complain about drivers being rude and inconsiderate to them and therefore feel they should have special lanes for their two-wheeled urban adventures. I don't mind sharing the road with people on bicycles, but let's keep things in perspective. The streets are paved for motorized vehicles. If not for automobiles and trucks, there would be no nice smooth surface for bicyclists to ride on. I'm conscientious to people on bikes even though they are often pains in my ass, but if you ride your bicycle in a city designed in 1880, you do so at your own risk. And get the hell out of the way when you have room.

Spending any amount of time inside an ALDI store has to be one of the most depressing experiences known to man. ALDI is a German-owned company and that becomes painfully evident when you step inside the store because it looks like East Germany in 1962. When I learned I had to pay for a plastic bag and put a quarter in the shopping cart like Tom Hanks in that movie where he’s trapped in an airport, I should have retreated to my car immediately. The highlight of my ALDI experience was seeing “Beaumont” brand coffee because it reminded me of Hugh Beaumont.

Singers and songwriters told FCC commissioners at a public meeting yesterday that radio consolidation is “creating a homogenized musical landscape.” They have a point, but radio stations played the same shit over and over ever since I can remember. DVE playing the same two Rolling Stones songs has nothing to do with consolidation. That’s why you, the vast T&A readership, should listen to WYEP 91.3 FM. You might have to suffer through the occasional Indian folk song (or something that sounds like an Indian folk song), but at least you’ll hear Tom Waits and Ray LaMontagne once in a while. Plus, WYEP has GLOD.

It was nice to see an article about Bloomfield in the Trib PM. But the Trib webmaster must be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan.

It’s Donatelli’s jackass.

And now for your enjoyment, Gene Rayburn eating Pop Rocks.

If you can never figure out what to get dad for Father’s Day, here are a few new and exciting designs from the T&A Shop that will make the perfect gift. I can’t guarantee it, but it’s highly unlikely dad has anything like this in any of his drawers. Visit the T&A Shop to see more.

Today’s PG has a story about a new web site, Pittsburgh Neighborhood Tours, “launched to boost seven city neighborhoods…to lure tourists to their communities.” The other and hotter PG, Tunesmith and Anthony’s favorite dime-piece shorty, PittGirl, also wrote about this new website though her post is a bit more David Conrad-centric.

Since I grew up on the mean streets of Bloomfield, I was mostly interested in the Bloomfield section of the site and it’s pretty nifty. However, the site is missing a lot of cool information that may be of interest to tourists and Pittsburgh residents alike. Therefore, as yet another public service to you, the vast T&A readership, I’m going to get all Rick Sebak on your ass as I present:

(Unlike a traditional tour, I’m not going to tell you where any of these locations are ummm…located. You’re going to have to aimlessly wander around Bloomfield to find them which really is half the fun.)

Under “Fast Facts” for Bloomfield, the Pittsburgh Neighborhood Tours site states that “Bloomfield was the home of visionary Pittsburgh Mayor David L. Lawrence.” But the father of Pittsburgh machine politics didn’t live in one of those aluminum siding clad party-wall houses off of Liberty Avenue. He lived on the very edge of Bloomfield in this not-too-shabby abode:

Up the street from the former Lawrence residence is this house:

What makes this house significant is that its roof is made entirely of aluminum. Legend has it that an Alcoa executive lived in this house in the 1940’s or 1950’s. Supposedly at that time, Alcoa had developed an aluminum product designed to replace the traditional asphalt shingle, and this particular executive had it put on his home. Although it’s hard to see, the roof looks pretty cool and it will probably last forever. I wonder if everything is aluminum inside of the house, like in the old Alcoa Building Regional Enterprise Tower.

Not too far away is this large property that, not unlike many houses in that section of Bloomfield, was chopped up into a bazillion apartment units:

The significance of this structure is that Franco Harris lived in one of its apartments during his first year or two as a young Pittsburgh Steeler. Legend has it that Franco once accidentally knocked a can of soup off the kitchen counter here, and Franco maintains to this day that he caught the can of soup before it ever hit the floor.

The market below is located on a corner of Friendship Avenue:

It is no longer a 7-11. I believe it is now called “Brian and Cooper’s” but it is still a convenience store. The significance of this store is that it was the only 7-11 in Pennsylvania that sold beer. That’s right, you could legally purchase a 6-pack to go with your can of Skoal and Slim Jims. They also sold the 32 ounce bottle of Rolling Rock. If there’s anything more magical than buying Rolling Rock in bulk, I have yet to find it. I haven’t been in there in a while, but I believe beer can still be purchased at Brian and Cooper’s.

The final stop on Anthony’s Bloomfield Tour is this eatery.

Allegedly, Henry Hill of “Goodfellas” fame ate breakfast here once. That allegedly occurred before that fateful day in which a helicopter followed him around while his brother watched the meatballs on the stove.

And that concludes Anthony’s Bloomfield Tour. I hope you enjoyed it.

Until next time…