So Boston had its own version of the Pittsburgh Pigeon Sniper incident yesterday when authorities practically shut down the city after finding several “electronic advertising devices” that were initially believed to be bombs. The devices were placed around Boston in a publicity stunt designed to promote a cartoon featuring a talking milkshake, a box of fries and a meatball. This is so ludicrous that I can’t believe it happened in Boston and not Pittsburgh.

"It's clear the intent was to get attention by causing fear and unrest that there was a bomb in that location," Assistant Attorney General John Grossman said earlier today at the arraignment of the two individuals responsible for placing the devices. "The appearance of this device and its location are crucial," Grossman said about one device found underneath Interstate 93 which looked like it had C-4 explosive. "This device looks like a bomb." Here is a photo of one of the devices: 

 After looking at the above photo, it becomes painfully apparent that this whole fiasco could have been avoided if only someone in Boston had one of these as a child:

About a dozen people gathered outside Charlestown District Court on Thursday morning with signs saying "1-31-07 Never Forget" and "Free Peter."People after my own heart.

Seriously. What are the chances a terrorist is going to be both willing and capable of making a bomb that looks like a piece of “installation art” (or a Lite-Brite, as the case may be). Granted, I don’t consider a Lite-Brite a piece of art, but I will say that a Lite-Brite is a more plausible piece of art than say, a large blue monster constructed from Rice Krispies treats.

Hey…wait a minute!

Here’s a photo of the “artist” responsible for making the “electronic advertising devices.” 

 Dig those dreads. That hair looks familiar, doesn’t it? 

 That must be the official hairstyle of people who create art that isn't art.

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Captain Kangaroo! It’s…

TECHMAN!

Have you seen Techman’s new graphic? He went from this:

To this:

I’m not sure if it’s much of an improvement. Less Hawaiian shirt, yes, but more Statler Brothers. I’m guessing someone is going to write him any day now and ask, “Whatever happened to Randolph Scott?”

Whole Foods Market is preparing to introduce a new line of meat that will carry labels saying “animal compassionate,” indicating the animals were raised in a humane manner. That is, the animals were treated humanely until they were slaughtered, hung upside down from a hook to drain them of their blood, sliced up with electric saws and sold at the World’s Leading Natural and Organic Foods Supermarket™ until they end up sizzling atop someone’s stove to be ultimately enjoyed with a lovely wine (something bold but not too pretentious). Boy, I can’t wait until I can buy me some animal compassionate steaks so I can stop feeling so damned guilty for being hungry.

I don’t condone the cruel treatment of animals, whether they are raised as pets or to fill my stomach, but c’mon now. These animals are bred and raised for the sole purpose of being killed. That in itself doesn’t sound too compassionate to me, Jack. Unless these “humanely treated” animals are being raised by the Oskar Schindler of farmers, that extra special humane treatment doesn’t mean squat at the end of the day.

In addition to the Whole Foods “animal compassionate” program, there are other animal welfare certification programs by animal rights groups. According to the NY Times article about the Whole Foods program, the issues addressed in all of them are sheep castration, tail docking of pigs and the use of electric prods on beef cattle. I’m encouraged by Bob Barker to get my 20 pound terrier’s balls lopped off and it’s fine for boxers and yorkies to have their tails docked, but there’s something wrong with doing the same things to sheep and pigs that are ultimately going to end up on the dinner table? I would think it would be more inhumane to snip the scrotums and tails of house pets since they, unlike livestock, live longer and at least have social lives.

According to the NY Times article, packages that feature labels such as “free farmed,” “certified humane,” “cage free” and “free range” are becoming increasingly popular though it remains unclear whether anyone other than a niche market of animal lovers gives a rat’s ass, especially since the meat and eggs are as much as twice as expensive as products that are brought to market through more traditional means. It’s fine if people don’t mind paying extra for so-called organically grown food because of dietary needs or if there is a quality difference or if a person is afraid they are going to die from consuming too much pesticide, but when food is labeled “animal compassionate” or “certified humane,” that pretty much implies that the poor slob in Lawrenceville or Beltzhoover who can barely afford the Tyson chicken at Shop-N-Save are not compassionate or humane to animals.

There’s something hypocritical about boasting about being nice to animals before they realize their ultimate purpose in life: to be killed and eaten. People who buy “animal compassionate” meat because they think they are making a difference in the life of some poor cow or chicken needs to get the hell over themselves. And let’s face it, God made beef, bacon, lamb and chicken tasty for a reason.

Governor Antwaan Ed Rendell’s campaign released the results of his annual physical this week. The report says that he is slightly overweight but overall he’s a “healthy, 62-year-old man,” according to the physician’s report. The report also states that the 5-foot, 11-inch Rendell tipped the scales at 257 pounds and told his doctors that he exercises 30 to 35 minutes each day.

He’s 5′11″, 257 pounds and healthy? Ha! That’s some funny shit. I’m sorry, but you’re not healthy at 5′11″, 257 pounds unless you’re this guy:

Nice try, Ed.

This white-haired guy sporting a mustache from 1978 and a Hawaiian shirt from 1985 is a technology expert? What’s he going to do, show me how to clean the heads on my Walkman or help me to get “12:00″ to stop flashing on my VCR?